Not always reaching your potential is okay, but overthinking it is a problem

Having aspirations helps us navigate life in a meaningful and fulfilling way, but it can also cause psychological distress when hopes are left unfulfilled.

New research has found that it’s not failing to make progress toward our ‘ideal-self’ that is problematic, but rather the tendency to focus on that lack of progress in a negative way which leads to psychological distress. In other words, it pays to be kind to yourself, say the key researchers.

The study explored whether ‘ideal-self’ and ‘actual-self’ discrepancies were associated with depressive and anxious symptoms. It also considered whether ‘rumination’, or excessive negative thinking, played a role in these relationships.

What the researchers say: The lead author said there are two key ‘self-guides’ that typically motivate us and provide standards for self-evaluation: the ‘ideal-self’ and the ‘ought-self’.

“The ‘ideal-self’ is the person we ideally want to be—our hopes and aspirations. The ‘ought self’ is who we believe we ought to be—our duties, obligations and responsibilities,” she said.

“Our findings showed that perceiving one’s hopes and wishes as unfulfilled and the loss of desired positive outcomes increases emotional vulnerability and psychological distress.

“Whereas actual-ought self-discrepancies were associated with anxiety (but not depression).”

A novel finding of the study was the role of ‘rumination’, the tendency to engage in repetitive negative thinking.

“It’s not failing to make progress toward our ‘ideal self’ that is necessarily problematic, but rather the tendency to repetitively think about this lack of progress that represents a significant vulnerability that, in turn, leads to increased psychological distress,” the researchers said.

In contrast, lack of progress in relation to our ‘ought self’ (i.e. duties, responsibilities, obligations) directly increased anxiety (but not depression), and this was not driven by repetitive thinking.

“It may be that fulfilling obligations, duties and responsibilities is more pressing or urgent than the pursuit of hopes and the more immediate negative consequences of not fulfilling these ‘ought to’ obligations may mean there is less time to engage in reflective contemplation,” the lead author said.

The researchers said self-guides as standards that we aspire to are beneficial in giving a sense of purpose and direction in life and promoting wellbeing, even if we don’t always reach them, but turning the focus toward negative self-evaluation and self-criticism is counterproductive.

“Reflecting on and at times modifying our self-guides may be helpful, particularly if we are caught in a spiral of negative self-evaluation that is accompanied by a constant sense of failing to meet overly high standards.

“We need to be kind to ourselves and keep our self-guides in perspective,” the researchers said.

So, what? This is an interesting study, even if, for the most part, it covers old ground. The important part from my perspective is the distinction between depression and anxiety as an outcome from concentrating on the ‘ideal’ and the ‘ought’ selves.

Depression is characterized by ‘ruminating’—excessive thinking about the past—whereas anxiety is about fear of the future. You can be both anxious and depressed, or the two can cycle, often with bouts of psychosomatic illness or accidents caused by the mood disorder.

The researchers are correct when they say that both the ‘ideal’ and the ‘ought’ self can be modified. However, the mood disorders caused by them may linger for a long time after the ideals and oughts have long ago dissipated. As yet, we have no reliable long-term cure for either depression or anxiety.